It’s been nagging at me. Every year, I resolve to create resolutions that will empower me, and then I lose motivation and don’t. But this time is going to be different. Really. I’ve turned over a new leaf, seen the error of my ways, and now that I’m a name in the indie publishing industry, I’ve decided that I need to step up and serve as a good example, if nothing else, for the children.
To that end, I’ve come up with some desperately needed steps I shall take, without delay, in order to improve, not just as an author, but as a human being. So without further preamble, here’s my list:
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NEWS: An awesome new interview from Cellardoorians on my craft and creations. Because it’s all about me in my head, 24/7.
1) Get a bitchin’ moniker. If you want to be well known, you have to have a moniker, and I don’t mean some wussy nickname that has eyes rolling. I’m talking something with major league, awe-inspiring, I’ll pimp-slap-you-if-you-so-much-as-look-at-me-wrong heft. To that end, I’ve decided that I’ll refer to myself by the moniker…Silk. I shall also take to affecting wide brim hats and an alpaca coat, and carrying a bejeweled walking stick. Alternatively, my lime-green man thong and an ermine cape. But either way, the hat stays. With the sun down here in Mexico, you don’t want to take chances. I shall also wear at least four ostentatious nugget jewelry rings, including two panky rings, and respond to all comments and inquiries with the eloquently-simple rejoinder, “Word.”
2) Surround myself with suck-ups. A coterie of yes-man quislings is a must for any emerging talent, and I recognize that you’re only as good as your entourage. To that end, I intend to enlist a racially and sexually diverse group of hangers-on to celebrate my every utterance. I’m still debating the idea of midgets dressed as cherubs tossing rose petals before me as I walk to the liquor store or into the local watering hole for a few pops. I have to check to find out about labor laws here, and whether there are any ordinances against that sort of thing. I doubt it, and certainly hope not, as I believe that if you wish to be taken seriously, you need to show that you can open up a big can of ‘check my shit out, biatch’ and sling it with the best of them.
3) Pepper my interviews with off-color remarks and my pet philosophical beliefs. Everyone loves a colorful character, and I intend to raise the bar for eyebrow cocking quips and ‘what the hell is he talking about’ inscrutability. Any publicity is good publicity, and by tackling topic others are afraid to, like the looming danger of world takeover by clowns, I shall establish myself as a credible source of wisdom. I shall further that foothold by making obscure references and using indecipherable similes and metaphors at every opportunity, like a swarm of honey badgers all the way down. I think fans require depth in their icons, and I can deliver on that front. Nobody does it like Silk. Word.
4) Drink more tequila. This was so obvious, it was right in front of me. Not that I don’t already enjoy a regular, if not cordial, relationship with the agave nectar, but I think I should be looking at increasing my alcohol intake commensurate with any success I attain. And my body is telling me this is the right step. I invariably feel younger, smarter, richer and sexier when I’ve had a half liter of meanstreak, but can feel moody and out of sorts the next morning. The solution is simple. Incorporate a disciplined plan to start earlier, like with my cereal. Or better yet, skip the cereal part. Silk don’t need no extra calories. Word.
5) Support the government in these difficult times. Whatever the hell it is that we’re over in those God-forsaken hellholes fighting for, defending our way of life and spreading the good news of consumption or democracy or whatever by killing hundreds of thousands of the citizens we’re freeing (or defending – I always get those confused, but enjoy the bombing footage on Youtube nonetheless), I intend to be respectful and unquestioning in the need to ruthlessly butcher anyone the bureaucrats that tell me what I can and can’t do declare that I’m threatened by. I don’t have time to research this crap, so I’ll take their word for it. They’ve done such a good job with the postal service and Amtrak and the DMV and the economy and protecting the rights of the American Indian, I see no reason to think they might not be completely truthful about why we shouldn’t strike first and hard at any real or imagined threats. ‘Just in case’ is as good a reason as I can think of, so don’t be an ass hat. Anyone who doesn’t believe that all those foreigners hate us for our freedoms (and not because we routinely invade their countries, support oppressive regimes that favor our corporate interests, declare neutrality before supporting the side we like best, etc.), is a traitor, and should be waterboarded with the oil from a boxcar worth of ‘freedom fries’ for raising divisive doubts. We have been in a necessary state of emergency for twelve years because of the actions of Afghani and Iraqi (and I think Iranian, too) terrorists, and if it takes fifty years more of emergency measures where we ‘temporarily’ abrogate the Constitution and trample the Bill of Rights so we can be safe, and another two or three trillion dollars of emergency funding for undeclared wars against oil and heroin producing countries to make the world a better place for us and our banks, I’m all for it. Kill ’em all, and let the 72 virgins sort em out. Silk will be creating bumper stickers to that effect. We can ‘give peace a chance’ after we’ve won the wars we need to fight so we can have peace – and if we need to nuke anyone who’s against peace, we’ll do it – don’t forget who the only country to use nukes was, not once, but twice, against the bloodthirsty civilian populations of…oh, never mind. All of this was explained to me as being like spending your way out of debt or drinking your way to sobriety, and while I don’t remember all the details, I support freedom. If you can’t see why we’re on a prudent course, you’re probably an insurgent, or traitorous. Or a clown. Which is probably worse.
6) Avoid controversy, and never say anything that will force people to view things differently or question their views. Part of the job of being widely read is to reinforce social conventions and moral choices while pretending to be controversial and edgy. I’m all for freedom of speech and all that shit, as long as you don’t take it too far and say things I don’t agree with – you know, cross the line (brave patriots like McCarthy understood that). In that spirit, I intend to stop introducing plausible alternative explanations for seemingly nonsensical policies in my books that would cause readers to question anything, and instead create straw man arguments that pretend to be controversial, and then collapse them by the time the pat denouement unfolds to satisfied nods, where the status quo is reinforced and everyone goes away happy and vindicated. Give people what they want, is my philosophy. I’m not in this to enlighten, I’m in it for the chicks and the cash. I intend to stick with facile bromides that would make the most cloying Hallmark sentiments seem mild.
7) Promote love and harmony. I want to be loved. I want to love others. Sometimes, in order to do that, you have to get all liquored up and use the home-made napalm you cooked up on passers-by you believe to be the agents of the marauding clown hordes. And sometimes you can best express love when spewing toxic obscenities at your enemies, wishing them a lonely, painful death, cold and alone in a drainage ditch, mourned by nobody and reviled by all. It’s a kind of tough love. That’s all I’m saying. Don’t twist this and make it ugly. The world’s ugly enough.
8) Include more ponies and adorable mewling kitties and playful puppies in my work. When I’m trying to conjure up a realistic action thriller, like my next one, Blood Orgy – Slaughterfest, I’ve been told that I can broaden my audience by including scenes where a sympathetic animal is included. I’ve experimented with honey badgers (not in real life, you sick bastards), but reaction has been inconclusive to date. I’ve also toyed with cannibal pandas, or ninja beavers, but it’s hard to work them into novels that are basically about ex-CIA hit men for whom this time it’s really, really, really personal. So I will commit to gratuitously including in each novel at least one cat, from whom we all learn something of value about ourselves by the final pages, or alternatively, some puppies who teach us important life lessons, or ponies, which won’t teach us anything but will be there strictly to appease my editor, who has no cats but wishes she did, and loves ponies, including the gratuitous mention thereof in action/adventure thrillers.
9) Be a role model. Kids. Don’t snort the bath salts, or try drugs – your parents never did, and you shouldn’t, either. And other authors. You can do it! In fact, I’m so convinced you can I’m working on a “how to get ‘republican rich’ by writing” course so all million or so would-be authors on Amazon can be successful, regardless of talent, drive, abilities, willingness to invest time or money, or even the ability to read or frame a coherent thought. That’s right. In it I will lay out a mindbogglingly easy way to ascend to the highest levels of literary success – and I’ll tell you how to do it for only $4.99 – and I’ll even make it available as an audio books in case you can’t read! I’ll also be offering seminars for those who really want to turbo-charge their success, for only $129 per person, special, which will make a Tony Robbins firewalk seem like a bridge game at a nursing home. And I’ll share this treasure of tips and secrets, not to make a boatload of easy cash because my book revenues aren’t sufficient, but because I’m trying to help. I’ll also offer incredible social media hints and show you how to sell more books than the Beatles using chat rooms, e-mail and Twitter. The seminar will be titled, “I rote a gud buk and maid fat staks & so can u!” If I can do it, you can too! Whooohooo!!!
10) Be an advocate for quilting. I will confess that my home is filled with quilting paraphernalia, as well as the product of my craft. I see no reason that quilting should be vilified. It’s nothing to be ashamed of. So I am coming out, right now, publicly. I’m just sick to death of the hypocrisy. If you can’t be a quilter and hold your head high with a sense of respect, what is life really worth? I hope that I can serve as an example with this long-overdue admission. There. I said it. Wow. It’s like a weight, suddenly lifted. Or like being really drunk. Never mind.
So there it is. Quite a list, and all worth pursuing. I hope this increases my popularity and the cash starts rolling in, because some of them, like the tequila or the ring/hat/cane/coat/cape one, could get resource intensive, and the booze isn’t going to pay for itself.
Now go buy some of my books. It goes to a good cause. Mainly me. Which is my favorite charity…