If you’re like me, you’re getting pretty tired of thinly-veiled touts by authors desperate for visibility for their books. It’s sort of akin to the date-rapist who assures you that you have really pretty eyes while he’s slipping the ruffies into your martini – most of these efforts just smack of desperation and cheap hucksterism, and leave an oily film of smarmy flop-sweat in their wake.
I, on the other hand, am above that sort of thing. My efforts to make several whopping dollars per day are paying off (any second, now), and I can see it’s mere moments until I mine the motherload. Given that I’m so richly evolved and beyond the sort of base, crass commercialism many authors have been reduced to, I’ve developed my own pitch, which hopefully resonates with your inner muse, either as an author yourself, or a reader, or someone who knows an author or reader, or has heard of either.
And soon I’ll be offering a “How to be Radically Bitchin’ Like Blake and Sell a Blazillion Books in Fifteen Minutes Using Only the Power of Your Mind and a Dial-Up Modem” guide you can not only use to get rich, rich I say, but also can multi-level market to every other human being on the planet in a virtually endless pyramid fashion.
But enough about that for now. Let’s focus on a successful pitch for e-books, and how to craft a message with universal appeal, while not cheapening your important work.
Because this is so much more than entertainment – it’s Aht, I say.
So here it is. Let me know what you think:
Depressed? Feeling worn out? Eviscerated by the market, or bummed by the ongoing financial crisis, or troubled by global warming or hunger, or general entropy? Mate done you wrong? Job suck? Random aches and pains causing grief? Phantom limb or Tourette’s gotcha grumpy? Spontaneous tremors? Problem flatulence? Overweight? Have a pesky chemical imbalance, or wish you did? Got a suspicious lesion or a troubling growth? Organs failing? Wish you had stronger bones or teeth?
Don’t worry! Just pick up Fatal Exchange, the new action/intrigue/thriller by Russell Blake, and you’ll be fixed up in no time! You’ll be thinner, younger, with a thicker head of hair, oodles of money and charisma, fabulous vibrant good health, and incredible magnetism for the opposite (or same, if you prefer) sex. Your peers will envy your grace, charm, poise, wit, and prosperity, and you’ll live practically forever while enjoying astounding vitality.
And for a limited time…all for a lousy ninety-nine cents! That’s .000099 cents a word! It’s like they’re giving them away. And Russ isn’t shy with the syllables. You get richly developed, half-dollar words for mere fractions! Interfenestration! Quixotic! Anthropomorphism! Antidisestablishmentarianism! They’re all there, and more. And if you’re the sort who moves their lips while reading TV Guide, not to worry – the plots are clever, but not so much that you won’t still feel pretty damned smart just for reading it – and there are broad clues so even the dimmest can sort of keep up!
What are you waiting for? Don’t you owe it to yourself to finally climb the mountain of dreams and grab the fruit of success from the tree of actualization, and change your entire life in a profound, seismic manner? Now all your aspirations can come true – boundless happiness, unshakable self-esteem, Midas-like wealth, and the slavish adoration of your high school sweetheart/crush (who hasn’t aged a day since your last kiss), who’s been fantasizing about reconnecting with you and being your love toy – all this and more, from a kindle book with a racing plot and whiplash-inducing hooks. And don’t get me started on the eternity of guaranteed paradise in the afterlife of your choice, where you’ll be reunited with loved ones, cherished pets, and/or as many virgins as you can shake a stick at. Amazing you say? Impossible? Tut tut. Not so. It’s all there for the asking. Your only limitation is your imagination, and a lousy dollar!
So take that first step. Make the move. You are a winner. This is your movie. You’ve got what it takes. You’ve got game, my friend, and you’re different than the rest. You’re worth it – you deserve it. Nobody can hold you back. This is your moment, and you’re an unstoppable force. You are Atlas, you are the Fountainhead, and now the hero within is awakened and everyone best just get out of your way, stat, Biatch!
Do it for the children. Do it for the future of the species. Do it to foster world peace, and banish disease and suffering forever, except of course from your rivals and enemies, who deserve to be crushed like shitgrubs beneath your powerful, demi-godlike feet…
I dunno. It may need a little more tuning. I want to strike the right tone. Something that’s edgy, but has broad appeal, and won’t offend, but will make people think about each other differently while we all also learn something about ourselves. Maybe it needs a racially diverse but appropriate buddy for whom this time it’s personal? I’m always open to suggestions…