If you’re like me, you’re getting pretty tired of thinly-veiled touts by authors desperate for visibility for their books. It’s sort of akin to the date-rapist who assures you that you have really pretty eyes while he’s slipping the ruffies into your martini – most of these efforts just smack of desperation and cheap hucksterism, and leave an oily film of smarmy flop-sweat in their wake.

I, on the other hand, am above that sort of thing. My efforts to make several whopping dollars per day are paying off (any second, now), and I can see it’s mere moments until I mine the motherload. Given that I’m so richly evolved and beyond the sort of base, crass commercialism many authors have been reduced to, I’ve developed my own pitch, which hopefully resonates with your inner muse, either as an author yourself, or a reader, or someone who knows an author or reader, or has heard of either.

And soon I’ll be offering a “How to be Radically Bitchin’ Like Blake and Sell a Blazillion Books in Fifteen Minutes Using Only the Power of Your Mind and a Dial-Up Modem” guide you can not only use to get rich, rich I say, but also can multi-level market to every other human being on the planet in a virtually endless pyramid fashion.

But enough about that for now. Let’s focus on a successful pitch for e-books, and how to craft a message with universal appeal, while not cheapening your important work.

Because this is so much more than entertainment – it’s Aht, I say.

So here it is. Let me know what you think:

Depressed? Feeling worn out? Eviscerated by the market, or bummed by the ongoing financial crisis, or troubled by global warming or hunger, or general entropy? Mate done you wrong? Job suck? Random aches and pains causing grief? Phantom limb or Tourette’s gotcha grumpy? Spontaneous tremors? Problem flatulence? Overweight? Have a pesky chemical imbalance, or wish you did? Got a suspicious lesion or a troubling growth? Organs failing? Wish you had stronger bones or teeth?

Don’t worry! Just pick up Fatal Exchange, the new action/intrigue/thriller by Russell Blake, and you’ll be fixed up in no time! You’ll be thinner, younger, with a thicker head of hair, oodles of money and charisma, fabulous vibrant good health, and incredible magnetism for the opposite (or same, if you prefer) sex. Your peers will envy your grace, charm, poise, wit, and prosperity, and you’ll live practically forever while enjoying astounding vitality.

And for a limited time…all for a lousy ninety-nine cents! That’s .000099 cents a word! It’s like they’re giving them away. And Russ isn’t shy with the syllables. You get richly developed, half-dollar words for mere fractions! Interfenestration! Quixotic! Anthropomorphism! Antidisestablishmentarianism! They’re all there, and more. And if you’re the sort who moves their lips while reading TV Guide, not to worry – the plots are clever, but not so much that you won’t still feel pretty damned smart just for reading it – and there are broad clues so even the dimmest can sort of keep up!

What are you waiting for? Don’t you owe it to yourself to finally climb the mountain of dreams and grab the fruit of success from the tree of actualization, and change your entire life in a profound, seismic manner? Now all your aspirations can come true – boundless happiness, unshakable self-esteem, Midas-like wealth, and the slavish adoration of your high school sweetheart/crush (who hasn’t aged a day since your last kiss), who’s been fantasizing about reconnecting with you and being your love toy – all this and more, from a kindle book with a racing plot and whiplash-inducing hooks. And don’t get me started on the eternity of guaranteed paradise in the afterlife of your choice, where you’ll be reunited with loved ones, cherished pets, and/or as many virgins as you can shake a stick at. Amazing you say? Impossible? Tut tut. Not so. It’s all there for the asking. Your only limitation is your imagination, and a lousy dollar!

So take that first step. Make the move. You are a winner. This is your movie. You’ve got what it takes. You’ve got game, my friend, and you’re different than the rest. You’re worth it – you deserve it. Nobody can hold you back. This is your moment, and you’re an unstoppable force. You are Atlas, you are the Fountainhead, and now the hero within is awakened and everyone best just get out of your way, stat, Biatch!

Do it for the children. Do it for the future of the species. Do it to foster world peace, and banish disease and suffering forever, except of course from your rivals and enemies, who deserve to be crushed like shitgrubs beneath your powerful, demi-godlike feet…

Huh.

I dunno. It may need a little more tuning. I want to strike the right tone. Something that’s edgy, but has broad appeal, and won’t offend, but will make people think about each other differently while we all also learn something about ourselves. Maybe it needs a racially diverse but appropriate buddy for whom this time it’s personal? I’m always open to suggestions…

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Comments

  1. Thu 30th Jun 2011 at 4:19 pm

    Well, I just skimmed your ‘blurb’. But you do have golden abilities. “Mother load” is the purest example of a Freudian slip I have ever seen or heard.

    Reply
    • Russell Blake  –  Thu 30th Jun 2011 at 7:47 pm

      Get your mind out of the gutter. How dare you. I’m deeply offended at your insinuation. Unless of course you buy my book, in which case you’re a rare example of the sort of discerning audience I’d hoped to attract, and I’m fortunate to have you here.

      I’m currently working on a “Capt Russ Tiger Team Workshop for Authors” on Freudian Slippage which will be out shortly, for a giveaway price. It’s a transformational journey of self-discovery that will improve every aspect of your life. Honest. I wouldn’t lie. Much.

      Reply
  2. Fri 01st Jul 2011 at 11:56 pm

    Too funny. What every writer wants I’d the spotlight. And good reviews. And tequila. And large royalty checks. Here’s hoping you have them all.

    Reply
  3. Sat 02nd Jul 2011 at 12:19 am

    Acerbic wit and self-deprecation – the best combination possible to keep me reading! I’ll pick up your book on my next Kindle spree – probably occurring shortly. But I’m holding you to the promises- it had better cure my Tourette’s!

    Reply
  4. Sat 02nd Jul 2011 at 5:03 am

    I admire your honesty. I told someone on Twitter, just this evening, about the thrill of 21st century yellow journalism. I promised the ability to fly to anyone who followed my #FF people.

    Ah, the joys of a snake oil salesman.

    Reply
  5. Russell Blake
    Sat 02nd Jul 2011 at 12:49 am

    Kathy: Your actual mileage may vary. Perhaps if you buy two you’ll improve your odds. I’m just saying, is all. Remember it’s for the children.

    Steve: Two out of three so far. All good.

    Reply
  6. Sat 02nd Jul 2011 at 11:43 am

    You nailed it!! Please allow me to ride your coat-tails all the way to superstardom…

    Reply
    • Russell Blake  –  Sat 02nd Jul 2011 at 3:31 pm

      The good news is I’m already becoming a powerhouse in the self-publishing business. I’ll share how in a week or so, but it’s truly unexpected how this one blog post changed everything for me!

      Reply
  7. Sat 02nd Jul 2011 at 1:36 pm

    I was thinking of offering the syrup from the fountain of youth sprinkled on the reader’s Kindle as a contest but you have me beat.

    Reply
  8. Sat 02nd Jul 2011 at 4:00 pm

    Loved the post. You’re actually one of the first to just tell it like it is instead of trying to disguise the blog to be something else, which is what I am guilty of. This post would be great to promote my hilarious novel called 5IVE SPEED which is also only $0.99 on Kindle http://www.amazon.com/dp/B004JHZ2CQ
    because your humor is pretty similar to mine. But I have to find other ways to get my plug out there. Any ideas? (hehe)

    Reply
    • Russell Blake  –  Sat 02nd Jul 2011 at 5:02 pm

      In my upcoming book, I’ll be sharing with authors the value of converting every commentary into an ad for their book. I say go a step farther – if you don’t think people are tickled beyond description to see every tweet and post a blurb for your product, you couldn’t be more mistaken. Tut tut, not only do they love it, but it sells books like mad, and builds you as an integrity brand! But why not take it to the next level? What am I talking about?

      Drum roll…….

      Graffiti!!!

      That’s right. Go out and spraypaint your URL and book title on the sides of every available building or vehicle – it can’t miss! It’s frigging genius! And you find your audience, they find you, and you get filthy stinking rich! Money for nothing, sipping gin and juice out of a teenage prostitute’s shoe while afloat on your new mega-yacht…

      What are you waiting for?

      I’d use red. Best to be bold. Stand out.

      Get going. There’s work to do.

      No need to thank me. It’s all part of being Russell Blake, the foremost authority on self-promotion and self-publishing on the internet.

      Reply
      • Virginia Llorca  –  Mon 04th Jul 2011 at 1:13 am

        No, seriously now. Besides the idea of randomly surfing blogs and putting a link to your book in the comments on every single one, you could do hundreds a day, there is this company that makes magnets, like I have an identity one with all my phone numbers, etc and a cute little sun and my daughter did them for save the date for her wedding, and I will get back to you as soon as I remember the name, but they are extremely inexpensive and very attractive and I was thinking, Bookstore shelves, Wal mart book section, random autos, other public gathering places.

        Reply
        • Russell Blake  –  Mon 04th Jul 2011 at 3:50 am

          I think the problem with merchandising is you have to have a distribution system to circulate the item, and you need to inventory them somewhere, and the stores need to carry them and not pitch them. I know from other inventories that it’s an expensive way to get mindshare, relatively speaking.

          That’s why there’s so much frustration, I believe, with self-published authors. IF there was an effective advertising bang for the buck online, I’d be all over it. Even if I lost money or broke even, it’s immaterial to me given I’m in product launch mode, so other than as an accounting artifact (this business is in the red $X whereas those others are in the black) it wouldn’t impact me.

          Reply
          • Virginia Llorca  –  Thu 07th Jul 2011 at 3:11 pm

            It’s Vista Print and you distribute them randomly and illegally.

          • Russell Blake  –  Thu 07th Jul 2011 at 4:59 pm

            You had me at illegally. A lady after my own heart.

  9. Sat 02nd Jul 2011 at 4:32 pm

    We all need a life-changing blog post!

    http://www.audaciousauthor.com/2011/06/john-locke/

    Reply
    • Russell Blake  –  Sat 02nd Jul 2011 at 4:51 pm

      There was a little tongue in cheek there, mate. Although I confess that I have been working literally round the clock to become the foremost authority on self-publishing and self-promotion, and think I’ll have achieved it by mid-next week. These are exciting times. I couldn’t have done it without the fans. And the children. And of course the puppies.

      Reply
  10. Sat 02nd Jul 2011 at 9:58 pm

    I would so pick up a copy of “How to be Radically Bitchin’ Like Blake and Sell a Blazillion Books in Fifteen Minutes Using Only the Power of Your Mind and a Dial-Up Modem”, the title alone sells me.

    I loved your book-selling blurb by the way. Completely honest, humorous and not too pushy at all.

    Reply
    • Russell Blake  –  Sat 02nd Jul 2011 at 10:40 pm

      And fortunately for everyone on the planet, very soon you’ll be able to.

      I know, I know. How can I selflessly reveal all the secrets I’ve accumulated, and show others how to become a mega-successful self-publishing and self-promoting phenom? Easy.

      I’m totally bitchin’. There. I said it. It’s out there.

      But the point is, now you can be too.

      For just a few measly bucks, you can become a one man (or woman, or gender-confused – not as in hermaphrodite, not that there’s anything wrong with that, but you know, as in “I’m in the wrong body” or whatnot confused, or maybe just curious, etc.) unstoppable force of nature to be reckoned with. And you won’t have to waste any of your time on silliness like grammar, or word choice, or even having a discernible plot or being coherent. No, that’s all old paradigm! This is the new, new thing, and we’ll all be a part of it (me, more than you, given you’ll be paying, but not to worry, that’s just temporary)!

      You can be the star in your own MTV video, with hot babes (or studs) gyrating to the crazy verbal beats as only you can create them, and you don’t even need to worry about the rhythm! I take care of it all for you, and show you how. It’s better than multi-level marketing. It’s more holistic than Feng Shui. It’s so easy and obvious even a slack-jawed inebriated dolt can do it – and I’ll give you the keys to the Ferrari that is your imagination!

      But wait, Russell, how can that be? That’s information people would gladly pay tens of thousands of dollars to get. How can you give so much, for so little? What do you get, besides my laughable and inconsequential pittance?

      I get the pleasure of a job well done, and the joy of watching others succeed. That’s really reward enough, although the private jet and the waterfront high-rise condo will also be deeply and sincerely appreciated.

      This is your chance. This is where you get to step out into the spotlight, and get the standing ovation from everyone who ever told you (or thought) you were a talentless hack with no redeeming qualities except perhaps as a consumer of cheese and hygiene products! You will be a star. And you’ll get to do it at the direct expense of those you hate, or who simply annoy you! It’s an almost god-like power I’ll confer in the success-manual I’m inking even as we speak, and the power of the techniques and strategies I outline will have you at the top of the peak of ultimate power and accomplishment before you know it!

      Still need to work on the title, though. Maybe polish it. It’ll look better as a cover. Something classic, but edgy and contemporary, that will appeal to geriatrics and teens alike. Why exclude anyone?

      Reply
  11. Cherri Gilham
    Sat 02nd Jul 2011 at 10:00 pm

    two words: Fucking Funny.

    Reply
  12. Sat 02nd Jul 2011 at 10:25 pm

    I’m going to give everyone who follows me authorship of my ms. It can’t miss, I figure!

    Reply
  13. Sun 03rd Jul 2011 at 8:23 pm

    Read this twice now, just for laughs. I swear I’ll jump off a bridge if I ever feel like a used car salesman (sorry if anyone sells used cars here) while promoting my books. Or, I just may keep writing them, and hiding them away.

    Reply
    • Russell Blake  –  Sun 03rd Jul 2011 at 9:01 pm

      Don’t worry, Curtis, soon you’ll be able to purchase an incredible guide to achieving breakthrough success in self-publishing, regardless of skill level, or whether you can even reed or rite gud. Using Russell Blake’s trademarked “Russ Writer Success Formula ™ (R) (C)” even a shambling hopeless no-talent can get richer than Jay Zee while high as a kite on Dilaudid and Gin. Never before has so much valuable info been condensed into a single “Success Manual ™” that’s accessible to the barely literate, and yet has enough long words and philosophical references and gratuitous Latin phrases to keep even the erudite interested. It’s a must read for aspiring authors, their friends and family, current self-published authors, or people who enjoy reading, or writing, or reality shows, kitty cats, or puppies. And of course, the children.

      So no longer do frustrated writers need to accept a life of flipping patties at Burger Barn. Instead, if they follow my “Russell Writer’s Magic Success Tips ™” they’ll be snorting meth off a stripper’s behind in Barbados, or alternatively, giving back to the community or taking care of the homeless, or whatever.

      The point is, life’s about to change, and the gag reflex you feel when you contemplate being a pathological attention whore should convert into excitement, because this is your time in the sun! This is your chance to journey through the valley of hope to the tree of actualization and pluck the fruit of boundless success – your very birthright, and the reason for your existence. So turn that frown upside down, and buck up! You will be a mega-hit! You will sell more books than James Patterson, while working from home in your PJ’s and swigging Ballerina vodka from the plastic half gallon jug! It will not only be easy, but wildly fun, and you’ll be envied by everyone you know, and revered through the ages as a unique and exceptional talent!

      Actual results may vary. Nothing in the preceding text constitutes any sort of agreement or promise, and reader agrees to hold Russell Blake harmless from any claims, including lack of suitability for any purpose, expressed or implied. Consuming prescription or street drugs is bad, and kittens, puppies, Grandma and the Lord are good, and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise, young man.

      Reply
      • Steven Konkoly  –  Tue 05th Jul 2011 at 4:28 pm

        Dude, stumbling upon your blog was worth the hassle and slight embarrassment of starting a Twitter account.

        Reply
        • Russell Blake  –  Tue 05th Jul 2011 at 7:28 pm

          You clearly don’t get out much. But gracias, anyhow…

          Reply

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