12 February 2013 by Published in: Uncategorized 25 comments

I’m pretty excited about something that showed up at my house about two weeks ago. And no, it’s not a spirited soul named Stormy who’s younger than many of my socks. Although I wouldn’t be heartbroken if that happened. Just saying, if you’re listening, Stormy, and frankly, that can be an alias. I’m not here to judge.

No, what I’m tickled, tickled by, I say, is my new answer to the sedentary life of the author.

By way of preamble, I’ve always said that if I want to get my heart rate up I’ll just buy a carton of Marlboros, have a XL triple cheese and meat pizza, and invite the IRS to audit me.

But I’ve changed my evil ways. At least, one of them.

What the hell is he talking about, you’re probably asking yourself right about now – and well you should be. The anticipation will simply make my revelation even better. Trust me on that.

Are you ready? Wait for it…wait for it…

I got a treadmill desk.

And it is Godhead. My life has completely changed since it showed up. Seriously.

After 18 months of sitting in one spot for 15 hours a day, I was starting to get, well, dare I say it, curmudgeonly. No doubt due to my lack of any exercise – and all because you people are such greedy word whores and can only think of yourselves, putting nothing but pressure on me to continue writing the next one, and the next after that. Novels. Not words. Although novels are certainly composed of words. Mine simply happen to contain many of the same ones. Like kill. And blood. But I digress.

The point is that the new treadmill desk has made me a new man, or at least a slightly less used one. While the first few days were filled with growing pains (the vibration from my shambling steps was vibrating the tequila bottle off the edge of the desk after a certain amount of inattention, and the ashtray kept sliding onto the belt, which wasn’t so much of a problem until I turned the damned thing on and it was moving), by the end of the week I was walking to nowhere for hours a day, like a pro. Assuming there are pro treadmill walkers. Which I doubt there are. For good reason, actually.

Now, I’ve been walking 6 to 8 miles a day as I write. No exaggeration. I pace myself at around 2.3 miles per hour, and go for three to four hours – one on, two off, one on, two off. My dogs think I’m insane, but F them, as well as my neighbors, who are still testy about the incident with their children, my homemade napalm, and the claymores.

My biggest fear going into the full time writing thing, besides having to quit drinking (thankfully, not required), was that I would lose my girlish figure and have to work all the harder to qualify for my old gig dancing in the man thong at Jalapeno Heat for the tourist ladies. The featured soloist positions, especially, are in hot demand, and the competition is fierce. I don’t think I could bear the rejection if Pancho and Gerardo declined me in open auditions, choosing a younger, firmer dancer for the premier position in the most heralded all-male boylesque revue in Mazatlan. But now that I have the treadmill desk, those fears have been rendered groundless, and I’m confident I can be on the pole again whenever I like, shaking my money maker to I Can’t Go For That dressed as a construction worker, or naughty cowboy, or saucy sailor, or whatnot.

So what have we learned here? That dreams are important, and we should cherish ours, even if they involve demeaning and humiliating gyrations for middle-aged gringa women with shameless hunger in their inebriated eyes and the need for a decent manicure (ladies – the hangnails are a hazard – that’s all I’m saying). And that physical fitness should not be cast aside as we labor away on the next 50 Shades of Yarn for Mister Whiskers. No, thanks to technology, and about $1500, we can have it all – the joy of wallowing in obscurity as well as reasonable fitness, assuming that you view walking at a moderate pace as the most strenuous workout you’re likely to do.

In all seriousness, if you’re an author, do yourself a favor and check this baby out. I had mine painted with black lacquer and flames, but that’s just because I’m all that and you know how I roll. It changed my life, as well as my electric bill, but that’s a whole ‘nother topic, and I’m not complaining. Much.

Oh, and JETis seeing record downloads since I took it free in the US and UK. If you haven’t read it, you basically suck and should be completely ashamed of yourself, and should go download it immediately, because otherwise clowns will boogarize you and you’ll die cold and alone of brain ebola while lying in a drainage ditch, mocked by your triumphant enemies and jeered by the few people you thought actually cared about you, as a harsh, uncaring God turns his back on your misery and the Devil peels your living flesh from your bones while you roast in eternal hell. Don’t let that happen. It’s free. Don’t risk it. Especially not the boogarizing. Nobody wants clown boogarizing.

Nobody.

On a side note, I was going to start including gratuitous snaps of adorable kitties in a basket or cute puppies wearing funny party hats on my blog as a shameless attempt to curry favor and boost traffic, but instead, I decided on this:

Lifespan

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Comments

  1. Tue 12th Feb 2013 at 5:41 pm

    Sweet! There are other options but they aren’t as nice as your treadmill desk. Mine is a $100 manual treadmill I picked up on sale at a grocery store with a plank across the handlebars secured like the bad guys in my books: zip ties. I can use it as long as I go really slow, though I’ve heard my betters can get up a good pace.

    I aspire to your treadmill desk, sir! Excellent purchase.

    Reply
  2. Old Git
    Tue 12th Feb 2013 at 6:50 pm

    Nice machine there… Does it have a downhill setting that’s skateboard-friendly?

    Reply
    • Russell Blake  –  Tue 12th Feb 2013 at 7:29 pm

      I’ve been told that once one is a certain age, all settings are basically downhill.

      I’ll work on the skateboard thing once I get the lighter and the beer chiller to work properly. The technology is still a little buggy.

      Reply
  3. Tue 12th Feb 2013 at 7:38 pm

    I would be dead in an hour ;)

    Reply
    • Russell Blake  –  Tue 12th Feb 2013 at 8:19 pm

      They tell me it’s only the last minute or so that kills you. All gravy till then…

      Reply
  4. Tue 12th Feb 2013 at 11:43 pm

    Instrument of torture. Where’s the breath for smoking?

    Reply
    • Russell Blake  –  Wed 13th Feb 2013 at 12:30 am

      That’s why it’s variable speed. So far I’ve used 4 settings: drunk, hung-over, smoking and disoriented – although admittedly, all more demanding than I’d like, and I don’t really remember using the first.

      Reply
  5. Wed 13th Feb 2013 at 1:22 am

    I assume there is a drink holder.

    Reply
    • Russell Blake  –  Wed 13th Feb 2013 at 2:13 am

      My young friend isn’t pictured.

      Reply
  6. Wed 13th Feb 2013 at 9:31 am

    dammit, they beat me to the punch. No matter, there’s still opportunity out there. I’ve been working on my prototype bicycle-oven, for those who enjoy keeping an eye on casseroles. Not to judge, but most of them are pretty tubby. Gap in the market?

    Currently accepting offers for investment. Preferably from people who understand bicycles. And ovens. And casseroles.

    Reply
    • Russell Blake  –  Wed 13th Feb 2013 at 11:08 am

      I’m out. I’ve never understood any of them. Thinking about the combination makes me feel like I have a brain tumor. A pulsing tumor. Pulsing tumors being the worst.

      Reply
      • Nick Stephenson  –  Wed 13th Feb 2013 at 11:12 am

        okay, I’ll work on something with rowing machines or something.

        Reply
  7. Wed 13th Feb 2013 at 9:58 am

    Russell, you trend setter, you!

    Actually, I’ve been thinking about one of these for over a year, so I guess it’s time to get off my dead ass. I put in about 4 hours of hard cardio a week, but with advancing age (OK, advanced age), it’s getting increasingly harder. Plus, I’ve been reading all sorts of studies that indicate regular exercise doesn’t do much good if you spend the rest of your waking hours on your butt. “Butt in the chair,” might get books written, but it’s probable you might not live to enjoy the fruits of your labors.

    So once again, you’ve provided leadership and a wonderful example, nudging me from complacency to action. Who knows, perhaps I will one day journey southward to be your warm up act at Jalapeno Heat. You can only benefit from the comparison.

    Reply
    • Russell Blake  –  Wed 13th Feb 2013 at 11:10 am

      It really is completely worth it. And the best part is that you’re just as productive – in fact, two to three hours goes by pretty quickly on one when you’re writing. I’ll find out about editing shortly. Groan.

      Reply
  8. Wed 13th Feb 2013 at 10:44 am

    Wow! What a great idea. I wish I would’ve bought one. I just got a treadmill for Christmas and have been doing one hour per day. I do a similar speed and in the end it only burns 200-300 calories.
    I hear you on being sedentary. I was always 110 pounds all my life until I started writing. In a few years I gained 15 pounds. Also turned 40, but I’m not factoring that in.
    I think I will do a half hour walking, then go back to writing, and then back to the treadmill since I don’t have the cool treadmill desk. Gotta improvise. :)

    Reply
    • Russell Blake  –  Wed 13th Feb 2013 at 11:07 am

      I think there are ways to retrofit a normal treadmill. They include zip ties, apparently.

      Reply
  9. Wed 13th Feb 2013 at 4:40 pm

    I think you need to write a mean detective comedy on your new desk. Try the comedy detective genre. A great 5 minutes of laughter, you gave me, and now I know you have gone mad! I getting off Tequila immediately and going back to Scotch!

    Reply
    • Russell Blake  –  Wed 13th Feb 2013 at 6:26 pm

      I actually have a new detective series in mind. First one will probably launch in June. Shooting for two to three this year, with one more JET (JET 6) and one more Assassin (Assassin 6), two to three of the new series, and a Fatal Exchange sequel. So much for my idea of only releasing 4 books this year, maybe 5. I’m so excited about the detective series I’ll probably pen 3 in a row, like I did with JET.

      Reply
      • T I WADE  –  Thu 14th Feb 2013 at 11:32 am

        I believe once you start a series, its just a long story broken into books, and much easier to write the whole thing without starting something else.
        I need to start back into my INVASION USA series this year and will have to read all four of the first novels just to get back into the story. That takes time!

        Reply
        • Russell Blake  –  Thu 14th Feb 2013 at 3:26 pm

          I tend to agree, but mainly because that way the characters are vivid in your imagination – their motivations, their quirks, their personalities. One of the reasons I think JET has been so well received is because the books were written contiguously, and therefore are more coherent.

          Reply
  10. Fri 15th Feb 2013 at 7:39 pm

    This is the answer to my time-management problem. I love to swim because all my great plot ideas come to me while I swim. Now I can do both. Exercise and write. Thanks for sharing!!!!

    Reply
  11. Stacey
    Thu 11th Apr 2013 at 3:05 am

    I SO need one of these to combat total-inertia-while-reading-Russell-Blake-novels syndrome!

    Reply
  12. Sun 21st Apr 2013 at 11:28 pm

    For those who get good ideas in the shower, write in the shower with the Aqua Notes – Waterproof Notepad: http://www.amazon.com/s?ie=UTF8&keywords=shower%20whiteboard&page=1&rh=i%3Aaps%2Ck%3Ashower%20whiteboard (might work for swimming, too)

    Also, for multi-tasking inspiration, I recommend checking out the master who hosts Let’s Paint, Exercise,& Blend Drinks TV! “Host John Kilduff paints while jogging on a treadmill, blends a drink and takes your calls live.” https://www.youtube.com/user/letspainttv

    Reply

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