As you may or may not be aware, I’ve spent the last months tirelessly working on a new book – “How To Sell A Blazillion eBooks In A Year (Even if Drunk, High or Incarcerated).”

My goal in writing it, besides making boatloads of cash so I can live like a rap star, is to help prospective writers hone their craft, and learn the valuable tips and secrets they’ll need to know if they’re ever to be blazillion bestsellers. Never before has so much information from a celebrated authority on all things self-publishing and writing related been collected in one spot. And I’m not talking a bunch of useless aphorisms or folksy bromides masquerading as usable data – I deliver a concrete, usable strategy writers can implement immediately so they can begin their journey to becoming blazillion-selling dynamos.

What’s that, you ask? When will this priceless Success Manual ™ be available so you can buy it and turn your miserable lives around, finally achieving something besides being a resource sponge? Soon. Probably end of next week, if not sooner.

So start collecting aluminum cans or whatever you need to do to save up the cash to get this, as it promises to be your ticket out of the mundane hell that is your everyday existence. You’ll be a literary tour de force within no time with my practical, easy to follow, step-by-step counsel, and the book is worth many times the price in just how it will improve your writing – not to mention the insights it provides into the mechanics of creating and marketing a blazillion bestselling eBook.

Advance copies went out to the trade, and we’re seeing a groundswell of glowing commentary. See below for just a handful of the reviews this instant classic has garnered. Then check back next week, when I might even grace you with a sample chapter – absolutely free. And I do understand that’s like giving away hundreds of dollars of value to those who have done nothing to deserve it. But that’s the Russell Blake way ™.

What critics are saying about Russell Blake’s “How To Sell A Blazillion eBooks In A Year:”

 

“Brilliant, imaginative, hysterically funny, wildly inventive. A must-read for any writer interested in selling a blazillion eBooks in no time!”

Kirckos Reviewers

 

“Blake is a disturbingly-insincere inebriate with delusions of grandeur. The only value I can see to this drivel is that it kept the author from writing something even more harmful to the industry that might have broader appeal or at least a slim chance of success. This eBook is the reason people take drugs – to kill the pain in their psyches after being exposed to such toxic venom. It’s vicious, demented, reprehensible brain poison. I now know what demonic possession must be like.”

The Chattanooga Saturday Morning Zephyr

 

“Every generation has its voice. The Social Media generation now has its spokesperson. All hail Russell Blake, master of self-publishing and self-promotion!!!”

The London Dispatch-Herald

 

“Just potty-mouthed filth. The man is obviously unwell. I feel nauseated just hearing the letters in his name. A despicable, depraved, odious misogynistic cat-hater who should choke on his own blood as he begs for forgiveness from the savior who despises him. It’s just not funny. He’s a twisted, contemptible sh#tbag and the world will be a better place when his blasphemous skull is rotting in a ditch somewhere. Hopefully soon.”

The Spiritual Daily Reckoning

 

“I peed my pants, then fell out of my chair, then had to crawl across the floor to call 911. The funniest thing I’ve ever read, or even heard of. Evil, black humor, mocking every cherished institution and value we hold sacred. Russell Blake is going to hell on an express train, and taking us all with him.”

Porterville Register Book Review

 

“Lyrical, poignant, thoughtful, intense. Russell Blake is a national treasure. Count us firmly in the “How To Sell A Blazillion” fan club.”

The Murrieta Sharecropper Book Club

 

“If you sat a brain-damaged chimp at a computer and had him bang on the keyboard with a banana, the ensuing product would be in every way superior to Blake’s sophomoric attempt at humor. Not only does it fall flat, but he’s obviously a cretin. If you’re a fan of sub-custodial gibberish you’ve found your man. Russell is a malignancy on the reputation of writing. He should heretofore be banished; his name struck from all records, his home burned and his work shredded in a wood-chipper by Elvis-impersonating hillbillies. I felt like I’d been physically violated just reading the first few pages. By the time it mercifully ended, my soul was dead. I hope he dies of something painful – perhaps hemorrhagic fever, where he becomes a human exsanguinating yogurt machine, and his decaying flesh drops from his bones and every nerve sears in eternal agony. Russell Blake is the literary equivalent of Ebola. The man’s a menace.”

New York Journal Literary Monthly

 

“I can see how anyone who follows Blake’s step-by-step primer will inevitably become a blazillion bestseller. It’s the single most helpful and thought-provoking book of its kind. Love him or hate him, Russell Blake has created a timeless classic that every writer, author hopeful, or friend and family of a writer should read. Never before has being successful been so easy for so many. A giveaway at a hundred times the price.”

Paris Observer

 

“Russell Blake is a disgrace, and his books are an abomination. Just being in the same room as one pollutes my spirit, and sitting reading his “Writer’s Bible” describing how to sell a blazillion eBooks in a year made me want to swallow my own head in order to end my suffering. It’s probably the single most foul travesty of the written word I’ve ever beheld, and it makes me believe that Satan and Hitler joined Pol Pot and Stalin to give him literary advice. I’d advise any thinking person to reject this garbage out of hand, and avoid his work as though it was slathered with Plutonium-234. The man is the devil. There’s no other word for it; this book is just wrong, and he’s a sick, malevolent fecal stain.”

Epistomology Today

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Comments

  1. Sat 09th Jul 2011 at 2:17 am

    I’m confused. I’m a financial guy and am familiar with the concept of a bazillion, but not a blazillion. Even the spell-checker doesn’t recognize it. Have you created a new measure of currency in the process of developing the ultimate self-help manual? Is our current monetary system capable of even handling the denomination?

    Reply
    • Russell Blake  –  Sat 09th Jul 2011 at 2:52 am

      It takes a big man to admit when they’re confused, David. I admire that.

      Many financial guys get befuddled occasionally. Don’t feel bad. It’s all the numbers. They’re confusing. And when you throw in decimals and fractions, well, I can see why you’d be scratching your head. Anyone would.

      Except me, of course. Which is why we’re all here.

      Still, I’m glad you asked. A blazillion is a blended physics/currency concept, where you have velocity of sales/movement (blazing, blowing-up) and Cartesian numerical representation (million, billion, etc.) Presto – a blazillion. It’s more than a thousand-illion but less than a bazillion. I wish I could claim to have coined it, but I can’t. It’s a term those high in the publishing industry use behind closed doors when discussing their book revenues, as opposed to those of the authors – a squinch.

      I clarify all this and all the other concepts you’ll need to know in my eBook. Also, you probably need a new spellchecker, although few have the term in it yet, which is a conspiracy between Microsoft, Apple, Goldman, and the Federal Reserve. Wikileaks will be covering all this soon, I’m sure. Don’t even get me started on that.

      But after much discussion with my editor, we’ve decided to re-title the book using the word “Gazillion” as more readers are likely familiar with it. I hate to shoot over too many heads.

      Reply
  2. Mon 11th Jul 2011 at 1:58 am

    Blake, hurry up and get this must-read to press! It took going to three different clinics, but I managed to save up enough money for your book by selling three pints of blood.

    I need your Ebook Codex to come out ASAP so I can be a tour de farce like I always wanted.

    I’m a little bit woozy, but I’ve had my fill of crappy cookies and little glasses of OJ, so I feel like I’m ahead.

    Reply
    • Russell Blake  –  Mon 11th Jul 2011 at 2:10 am

      Excellent behavior. You show the kind of initiative that will, coupled with my astounding primer, have you selling a gazillion eBooks in no time. That’s right. Not a blazillion, which we both recognize is a hugely significant number. But a true gazillion, and not in a year, but in no time. That’s how confidant I am in this. And you don’t need much initiative, really. Just enough to raise the cash for my eBook. I’ll do the rest of the heavy lifting. You can lay back and watch porn, or go to the dogfights, or drink a gallon of jaegermeister – whatever takes the edge off.

      You’ll be able to dance on the urine-soaked graves of your enemies while the bucks come rolling in. Women of all ages, but especially young, hot ones in their experimental phase, will want you. Or if you prefer, morbidly obese ones with 9 cats and a prosthetic limb. Whatever your flavor, you’ll get it, along with a 20 year guaranteed increase in lifespan, not to mention financial wealth that will put a Goldman VP to shame. It’s all here. Next Friday, or maybe Saturday depending upon how much I imbibe on Thursday night, you’ll be able to get the eBook that will change so many lives for the better.

      Thank you beautiful crowd. Really. Mwah. Mmmmmwaaah. You know I love you. Really.

      Reply
  3. Fri 15th Jul 2011 at 2:42 pm

    This is a good blog. Keep up all the work. I too love blogging and expressing my opinions. Thanks

    Reply
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