11 December 2013 by Published in: Uncategorized 16 comments

After spending some time looking at the Top 100 on Amazon with jaw agape, I’ve come to a decision.

I’m going to stop writing thrillers, and instead, focus on my New Adult erotic romance featuring a cat, namely 50 Shades of Yarn for Mr. Mittens. The cover will feature a strapping tattooed alpha male with abs of steel, sans shirt. And a cat. Or better yet, holding a basket of kittens.

The cover will be either B&W or sepia, depending upon what’s selling best next week. I figure if I start writing tomorrow, assuming I don’t drink too much again tonight and have to nap a lot to recover, I can have it knocked out by Monday. Tues on the outside.

Here’s the plot setup: The female protag with self-confidence issues and a weird-but-somewhat-hip first name (maybe Kylee) meets the alpha gazillionaire head of a specialty textile manufacturing conglomerate with a dark secret (who also has a similarly quirky name) and is immediately smitten, if initially slightly standoffish. Of course he’s smoking hot, brooding, and has a dark secret – and she kind of dislikes him at first, but quickly learns he’s not what he seems, mainly due to his traipsing around with his basket of kittens, sans shirt – a habit which she quickly warms up to. His favorite cat, Mr. Mittens, provides comedic relief with his madcat hijinks, and basically we’ll have about 75K words of marginally hardcore pseudo-kink after a flabby setup a slow preschooler could craft by pulling plot ideas out of a hat. No sentence will be over 7 words, and vocabulary will be limited to a max of two syllables – the more puerile the prose, the better, I say, because who’s got time for all those fancy-shmancy words they throw around in fifth grade to impress and intimidate people?

I’m thinking it should be good for seven figures, easy. My people are already talking to Ridley, and everyone’s excited.

I do this not to cash in on current fads, but because I’ve always felt a calling to write feline erotic romance featuring coming-of-age female protags lusting after hot rich hunks with borderline personality disorder…and a cat. I’ve repressed that part of my emotional spectrum long enough, and I think we’ll all be better for my setting it free to pen an epic series of kitty erotica that will leave readers breathless, while straining them little more than sounding-out TV Guide does whilst considering which rerun of Toddlers and Tiaras to watch.

Some might condemn me for my choice. Who are you to cast that stone, I ask? Who made you the final arbiter of merit, that you can mock my feline saga of forbidden love amongst the yarn balls? Perhaps your arrogant cynicism demands that you condemn me for my predilections, and you think I’m being less than sincere in creating a sweeping saga that will redefine how you view knitting, BDSM, quilting, and catnip. What of it, I say? Can’t we just live and let live, enjoying our literary popcorn without having to defend it? Ka-Ching may be a dirty word to some artistic snowflakes, but I’m not so haughty as to dismiss this celebratory exploration of tender sentiments and shameless smut with hasty judgmental declarations.

So without further ado, I’m hanging up my suspense hat and donning my leather mask with the zipper thing on the front and the red rubber ball for the mouth, which looks kind of uncomfortable and may be hot, but which I’m sure I’ll get used to with time, even if it does seem a little Lectery right now. I will do this for my readers, who are probably tiring of conspiracy theories and complicated, conflicted protags for whom this time it’s personal, and instead want some bondage and cat luvin’, maybe even with a gratuitous pony mention thrown in, just for one of my editors.

No need to thank me.

In the meantime, I’d suggest that you go buy my crap, so I can support myself while I work tirelessly to craft the best cat romance (w/between 5 and 8 hardcore sex scenes, and timely references to pop culture icons so I can show how with it and current I am) that I can. If you don’t do it for me, then do it for the children. Better they read the Mr. Mittens trilogy than experiment with bath salts or cutting or Satan worship, which is where it’s headed if I don’t get this book out sooner than later.

Now you can do your part and help keep our kids, cats, country, grandmas and puppies safe from those who hate us because of our freedom (and also our spying on everyone, but hey, don’t get me started, you hatahs). Purchasing a Russell Blake book, or better yet, a whole passel of em, is a vote for right thinking and the American way, and if you don’t buy any, the terrorists have already won.

All my work is vegan, celiac and gluten free, organic and macrobiotic and green and sustainable, even if manufactured by seven year olds with repetitive motion injuries in countries nobody cares about. So push that trough of freedom fries to the side and click “Buy” if you don’t want your neighborhood overrun with undesirables. And clowns, who will lie in wait to boogarize you and your family. Don’t give your enemies the chance to hi-step on your cold, lonely grave near a drainage ditch. It’s not worth it.

You’ve been warned.

And happy holidays, of course.

 

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Comments

  1. Wed 11th Dec 2013 at 5:58 pm

    A trilogy!
    I’m three times blessed.

    Reply
    • Russell Blake  –  Wed 11th Dec 2013 at 6:14 pm

      RRRowrrr!!! Ole, Mr. Mittens!

      Seriously, though, I need the space a trilogy affords to fully explore the interpersonal dynamics of the Mr. Mittens trope. Anything less would be too constricting, and I don’t mean that in a latex and handcuffs way. Or maybe I do. We’ll just have to see.

      Reply
  2. Wed 11th Dec 2013 at 6:18 pm

    How purrrfect is this????

    Just beware of the hairballs, they can really choke you!

    Reply
    • Russell Blake  –  Wed 11th Dec 2013 at 6:27 pm

      Look for it on pre-order next week.

      Reply
  3. Wed 11th Dec 2013 at 6:18 pm

    My favorite line:
    “I do this not to cash in on current fads, but because I’ve always felt a calling to write feline erotic romance featuring coming-of-age female protags lusting after hot rich hunks with borderline personality disorder…and a cat.”

    Reply
    • Russell Blake  –  Wed 11th Dec 2013 at 6:26 pm

      You have ample time on your hands, I see, my friend. Good for you. But don’t steal my idea or I’ll have Monte and his crew of shysters on you faster than bankers on free Fed money. You’ve been warned.

      Reply
  4. Wed 11th Dec 2013 at 6:49 pm

    Yes! Take me on this trip to Purrtown! I’m sold.
    50 Shades of Yarn for Mr. Mittens has been haunting you for a long time and you know it.
    Here’s what I’ve heard so far: hot guy, kittens, sex. What more do you need?
    One suggestion. Ditch the bondage crap and have the brooding guy write mind-blowingly romantic poetry. That way you still get to use your flowery words, and female readers get Russell Blake poetry. All that’s got to be worth at least $9.99.
    Write it and watch the cat ladies part with their cash!

    Reply
    • Russell Blake  –  Wed 11th Dec 2013 at 6:58 pm

      I intend to write the entire trilogy in iambic pentameter, with whole sections using an invented, monosyllabic language as a homage to Anthony Burgess and CS Lewis, which should delight the cat ladies.

      The bard can suck it. That’s the working title.

      Reply
      • Lynda Filler  –  Wed 11th Dec 2013 at 9:58 pm

        ( I can ghost or cat-write your poetry)

        Reply
  5. Wed 11th Dec 2013 at 7:24 pm

    That’s a whole other book idea I think. It could be a bestseller too based on the title.
    For Mr. Mittens you could write it in the 8th grade reading level so it’s a quick read, but then hit us with beautiful love poems written by the hot guy. Of course he composes them while shirtless and brooding by the fireplace, with Mr. Mittens chasing a ball of yarn nearby.
    Feline erotic romance could be a whole new genre you pioneer! Cha-ching!

    Reply
  6. Wed 11th Dec 2013 at 9:56 pm

    Have I told you lately that I love you? Holding my breath, or something…

    Reply
  7. Fri 13th Dec 2013 at 10:37 am

    Your point is well-made, of course, in a humorous manner that takes s stab at those Fifty-wanna bes while encouraging readers to buy your work.

    However, there are some writers toiling in the literary dark underworld of erotica who take their work seriously, who try to move their fiction away from the “female protag with self-confidence issues and a weird-but-somewhat-hip first name (maybe Kylee) meets the alpha gazillionaire…”

    We do, on occasion, try to represent life-like people, in life-like situations, with real problems. Occasionally, we even try to make the eroticism the world in which the story takes place, but not the main plot point.

    I do not for one second believe my work to be as accomplished as yours, Mr. Blake — and I mean that sincerely, for I’ve read your work and found it to be wonderful. However, not all erotica writers are…well, quite that shallow in what they attempt.

    I understand you may not allow links to other works on your blog, to prevent others from using your blog to market their own work. But, here it is anyway, if you’d like to see my feeble attempt at doing something a little more serious, or at least different, in the genre.

    http://www.amazon.com/Lethal-Obsession-Trilogy-ebook/dp/B00BMU968O/ref=la_B00ADXD56A_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1386945387&sr=1-1

    Thanks for reading, and for your blog. I’ve learned a lot reading here.

    Shandra

    Reply
    • Russell Blake  –  Fri 13th Dec 2013 at 2:13 pm

      Hey, Shandra. It’s all in fun. Nobody gets out of this alive, so why not take a stab at mocking everything, early and often? That’s my philosophy. It’s all just words, and nothing should ever be taken that seriously. Even dirty books. Even…dare I say it…my important work.

      No offense intended. Unless you’re intending to steal my Mr. Mittens concept. In which case, this is war.

      Reply
  8. Old Git
    Sat 14th Dec 2013 at 10:49 am

    A good tip to stop your gimp mask from chafing is to replace the zipper with Velcro.

    Sebastian would be a great name for the bodice ripping bloke. A few sylabobs over your formula but the mere cadence has me tingly — and I’m a seventy-nine-year-old eunuch with shingles — so there you go…

    Reply
  9. Michael Picco
    Mon 16th Dec 2013 at 3:33 pm

    And here I thought you were getting your ‘cat jollies’ with the escapades of Artemis Black! You have certainly proven to your readership (which I continue to help increase by telling friends) that your writing is worth their time!

    As long as the caliber of your product is as great as it is, I’ll continue to buy/read your stuff!!

    Merry Christmas!

    Reply
    • Russell Blake  –  Mon 16th Dec 2013 at 3:56 pm

      Thanks for the kind words, Michael. Appreciate it.

      There is no depth to which I won’t stoop, no pandering too low for me.

      At least I’ve got that going for me!

      Reply

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