Back In The Saddle

There’s really nothing like getting finished with over twenty hours of travel, after a relaxing few weeks of vacation (shorthand for binge eating and drinking), to face a wall of emails, unfinished business, deadlines, cryptic commands from voices only you can hear, etc.

You would have thought I would have been able to come up with something more timely and poignant than this, “I’m back” missive, which is kind of weak and lame. I apologize for letting you down, as I have most of the loved ones in my life, and certainly any business associates or those expecting an honest day’s work out of me.

The only thing I could come up with other than this were snapshots of adorable kittens in a basket playing with baby chicks, but I figured I’d save the really cheesy for next year’s big romance roll-out. So the cats had to take a back seat to my half-baked literary meanderings. Your loss. All right, stop whining. There are some new cat snaps on the Pet Wall. Go look. You know you want to. Let’s not pretend. We’re all adults here. At least, that’s what my legal disclaimer fine print assumes.

During my absence, I’m delighted to report that the bundle I’m associated with is still selling like gangbusters, and the first JET novel was named one of the most popular stories on Wattpad. Which I suppose is a bit like having one of the most popular porn vids on a free download site. I mean, okay, so you liked it, but what are you doing to help me out – where’s the frenzy of buying implicit in that? Not that I’m not deeply touched that my words have resonated with so many of Wattpad’s users. I actually can’t wait for the deluge of purchases all those free reads will bring about. You Wattpad readers reading this? Anytime you want to start buying, it’s totally okay by me. Now would be good. As in, before you finish reading this blog.

I also had a 5 star review for JET pointed out to me by a good friend. It says something like, “this is the best book ever written, and it’s a shame the rest actually cost money”… implying of course that while it might be a masterpiece, the notion of paying even a few bucks for any book is laughable. Yes, it’s a shame that tequila and women of questionable virtue aren’t also free, as well as food, clothes, housing, ostrich cowboy boots with sterling silver tips…you know, all that most excellent stuff I certainly enjoy, but dislike paying for. I’ll be happy to start a petition or something if all we need is some stoked outrage so I get everything I want, especially if well-crafted, for free. Believe me, I completely understand that we should all receive the highest possible quality everything at zero cost (at least to us), and I’m 110% committed to dropping my prices to zero just as soon as I get the landlord and the credit card company off my back.

On the plus side, I know I’ve been promising to break some big, big news soon. As in November. And here we are, almost done with November, and what have I given you besides empty promises and threatening gestures that might be actionable in some states? Nada. For which I also apologize.

But I’ve been sworn to secrecy, and it may take another week or two to have everything lined up, so my commitments are, sadly, as empty as the Social Security trust fund and as dependable as a Chicago politician’s promise.

Does that make me a bad man? No, I say. Plenty of other things make me a bad man. The devil living in my heart. The way I eye the cutie down the street. How the last time you let me stay over, your iPhone and wallet were missing in the morning and I’d smoked all your cigarettes and had the last of your bourbon for breakfast before, er, borrowing  your car. Plenty of things qualify for making me a bad man. This doesn’t even come close. Trust me on that.

The good news is I’m done with all the drafts of BLACK Is The New Black (which is either about my harrowing year in a women’s prison tricking dimwits into doing my bidding by buddying up to them, or about Artemus Black’s foray into the world of modeling) and the editor is now trying to force my participles to stop dangling and my colons to be less semi. I know, not a pretty mental image. It’s tough love, and requires protective clothing. As well it should.

I’m also on rewrite for JET VI, which I am doing my best to have ready for eager consumers by Xmas. The thought of the little ones’ eyes sparkling like little diamonds, when instead of a new bike or a puppy, they discover Mommy spent the money on Russell Blake’s newest screeds, drives me to continue working double shifts in the ink mines just to get all of you off my back. I can’t take the guilt. I’m a special snowflake. Leave me the hell alone.

As a special teaser, and because I haven’t really posted anything for awhile, here’s the cover of Black Is The New Black. It should be out within a few weeks.