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08 January 2015 by Published in: Uncategorized 23 comments

It’s important to start each year with an eye toward improvement: ridding oneself of bad habits, and developing better ones. That’s really hard to do, so instead, I’ve decided to take a more pragmatic approach to change, focusing more on outcomes than process.

I’ve crafted a list that will address most, if not all, of my remaining shortcomings. I’ve already let everyone in on the secret to my success, which is to sleep your way to the middle and simply change character names and locales and release the same book over and over again, but is that enough? I want to be remembered as the literary All About The Bass, and nothing less, certainly not offensive treble, and that’s not going to happen without some real commitment. So here goes:

1) Write a masterful literary fiction novel that will have acquisitions editors fighting to throw money at it, as well as delight and enrapture MFAs the world over, about fifty-three of whom buy novels, but no matter. I’m thinking a saga of forbidden love set against the sweeping backdrop of post-revolutionary Iran, as the puppet government propped up by colonial interests falls and is replaced by the intolerance of religious zealotry. Of course, I don’t have the time to research all that and know precious nothing about it, so I’ll have to streamline my process some, which leads naturally to resolution #2:

2) Hire better ghostwriters. Time to upgrade the boiler room from Mumbai to the more expensive one in Calcutta. Let’s face it, the difference between $2 an hour and $3 is noticeable, and at this stage of my career my readers deserve the absolute best. Oh, and if you’re reading this: lads? Lose the u in everything – favourite being a typical example. What’s up with that? Learn to talk American, or I’ll have to hire an editor to catch your slop, and that’s just going to drive my finished product price up. Then the reader loses.

3) Get expensive cosmetic surgery. Let’s face it, nobody’s getting any younger. Mickey Rourke’s guy is having a sale, and he should be able to get rid of that bloaty, debauched, jowly thing I’ve got going on, stat. If you want to feel good, you have to look good, and I plan to double down and have him make me over into Johnny Depp, or at least that Walking Dead guy.

4) Take better care of myself. Look, I know last year I did that crowdfunding thing to buy a new liver, and I’m happy to announce that little Haji is not only the right blood type, but is resting comfortably in a custom-made cage until mine gives out. But is that really enough? What about my ravaged lungs? How many organs can I really afford, even at the cut-rates that global internet shopping enable? So I’ve got to quite the booze, the dope, and the other questionable activities, or at least pump the brakes, know what I’m saying? Starting next week.

5) Slow down. It’s exhausting supervising the oversight provided by the talented group I’ve outsourced to manage the creation of the content I claim as my own. So I’m only going to put out as many novels as my readership is willing to buy, no more. I know, I know. I said that last year. But this year I totally mean it.

6) Get serious. I’ll be releasing my eagerly anticipated “How To Write Good” craft book this year, with the best wisdom I’ve found while doing Google searches and reading message board posts on the internet with my computer using my optical mouse whilst sitting, which will not only go deep on how to write blockbuster bestseller novels in all genres, but explain how to do so while working a full time job, raising kids, and getting in ten solid hours of shut-eye per night while losing weight without dieting. As part of my effort, I’ll also include my fifty tricks to savvy internet marketing, which will include brilliant, custom-designed tweets, and heart-warming blogs that pretend to give two shits about a variety of topical subjects that will make you look interesting and informed.

7) Guilt trip Hugh Howey into saying I completely and utterly rock. I figure that should shift a few units. I’ll frigging declare The Shell Collector to be the next War and Peace and suck up like a horny freshman if he’ll just come forth and give it up for me. I really think that’s what’s been holding me back, and barring actually learning to write well, it seems putting him on speed dial is the solution.

8) Create a video with a whining sycophant screaming “Leave Russell Blake ALONE!” That will go viral, and then I’ll make my follow-on vid of “What The Ocelot Said”, which should propel me to an entirely different level of notoriety and enable me to afford that sweet Tesla I’ve been pining for but have had to deny myself.

9) Become Amazon’s bitch. I mean not only suck up to Amazon as I already do, but do so even more. I’ve been remiss in gushing about whatever they’re up to of late, but that stops here and now. Amazon is frigging Shazam squared, we’re talking godhead of innovation and goodness, and if you don’t realize it you’re a total embarrassment and should die of brain ebola and have your enemies dance on your cold, lonely grave with jackboots while ululating in triumph. I’m totally serious. Don’t even think of f#cking with them, because they are the boss, Daddy. Just ask Hachette, who’s mewling in the corner naked, rocking and holding its knees to its chest. Anyone have anything bad to say about Amazon, you have to get past me. They frigging build strong bones and teeth, man, and you should so be thankful you are even allowed to say their name, much less be associated with them. Just get over yourself. They rule.

There we have it. 2015 should rock with all this going on. If you have any resolutions you’d like to share, please do, on your own blog, because I don’t want to clutter mine with your BS. I hope this helps you create your own to-do list, because that’s my purpose in life, aside from being warm and approachable. You’re welcome.

And don’t forget. Buy. My. Crap.

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Comments

  1. Fri 09th Jan 2015 at 9:34 am

    Cosmetic surgery and a crowd-funded liver doesn’t get better than that. Still laughing. Got to go buy some of your crap to support your noble life style. W4$

    Reply
  2. Fri 09th Jan 2015 at 10:12 am

    Hysterical. Reminds me of Gazillion books.

    Don’t get cosmetic surgery for jowls. They’ve got something new called Fractora Firm. It’s non-invasive. Google that phrase and you’ll see the before and after pics.

    You should definitely write a literary fiction novel someday. You would rock at that.

    Reply
    • Russell Blake  –  Fri 09th Jan 2015 at 1:39 pm

      I appreciate the tips in my ongoing effort to look like a Palm Springs cougar. Or maybe a Palm Beach transvestite. Not that there’s much material difference.

      Reply
  3. Fri 09th Jan 2015 at 11:23 am

    Thank you for leaving the Alpha werepanda billionaire/centaur slashfic off your list. I’m still working on a marketing plan based around sockpuppets and testimonials from people who aren’t immediatelly identifiable as my relatives.

    Reply
    • Russell Blake  –  Fri 09th Jan 2015 at 1:39 pm

      You had me at werepanda.

      Reply
      • cinisajoy  –  Sat 10th Jan 2015 at 12:27 am

        I wanted a werekoala.

        Reply
        • Russell Blake  –  Sat 10th Jan 2015 at 1:24 am

          We’ve all been there. Except for the Koala chlamydia. Which is rampant. I couldn’t make this up.

          Reply
  4. Fri 09th Jan 2015 at 12:35 pm

    I wonder when Amazon will have organs available with two-day shipping. Gotta please the Prime members, right? 😛

    Reply
    • Russell Blake  –  Fri 09th Jan 2015 at 1:39 pm

      I’ll propose that to them in between the fluffing sessions.

      Reply
  5. Fri 09th Jan 2015 at 3:51 pm

    “How To Write Good” made me LOL in Starbucks. Thank you.

    Reply
  6. Fri 09th Jan 2015 at 6:14 pm

    I’ve been sucking up to Hugh for two years now to no avail so you’ve become my second best Hope of Succcess!
    And thanks for the crowdfunded liver idea, I’ll save that one for my alcoholic dad because actually I’m grossly healthy and planning to get into a bikini this year since I took up walking while typing. I’m way ahead of you in that area, buddy.
    I eagerly await How to Write Good. It will be my Bible, I swear, if you will only blurb my next book. 🙂
    Thanks for the ongoing hilarity and glad you aren’t upsetting me with ebola updates anymore! ( I love my denial..)
    Toby Neal

    Reply
    • Russell Blake  –  Fri 09th Jan 2015 at 7:10 pm

      Everything’s going to be rosy. I’d have expected it to be spreading in France by now, because that’s one of the top destinations for West Africans (if not the top one), but since the media isn’t reporting anything, everything must be just fine…because the media never lies. Just look at the widespread coverage of the killing spree in La Paz, which is now more murders per capita than any other city in Mexico. Oh. Wait. There’s a complete news blackout about that, and has been for three months. Never mind. It’s possible that not everyone’s completely forthright about everything all the time. Who knew.

      Reply
      • Toby Neal  –  Sat 10th Jan 2015 at 3:52 am

        Yes, things have gone Dead Silent on the topic of ebola in the US… and La Paz? what? I thought that name meant Peace.
        see, there you go again, sneaking real information out across the border into our peaceful Land of Denial.

        Reply
        • Russell Blake  –  Sat 10th Jan 2015 at 1:06 pm

          Yes, since the hurricane in Sept, La Paz has been averaging something like one cartel killing a day. This is a population 350K city, in a state that had, like, 9 total murders last year out of its 750K population. To put that into perspective, that made Baja about 1.3 per 100K for homicides. The U.S. averages about 4.8 per 100K. What happened is the Sinaloa cartel split into two factions after the arrest of its leadership, and the two factions are now battling it out for turf in La Paz. But the Mexican government doesn’t want tourism to completely stop, so it put a kabosh on any reporting of the slaughter. Complete blackout.

          Other governments do the exact same thing, and always for the same reason: self-interest. Because if people knew the truth, they might make different decisions, and we can’t have that.

          Reply
  7. James Patterson's Toupee
    Fri 09th Jan 2015 at 6:15 pm

    This is the year I will ghostwrite a Pulitzer Prize-winning novel. I can feel it in what’s left of my real hair.

    Reply
    • Gerald  –  Sat 10th Jan 2015 at 10:39 am

      Funniest thing? “James Patterson’s Toupee”

      Oops. Sorry. Forgot my own NY resolutions.

      Hey Russell, you rock good! Your my hero. Your hilarius. I wanna write one of them ebook things and make a mill like my good (internet) friend John Locke. Heez my hero to. In fact, NE1 who writes good and sells a mill is my hero. And wen I have a mill, i might buy sum ov yor crap.*

      *Mistakes intentional. Just in case. You know.

      Reply
  8. Fri 09th Jan 2015 at 6:24 pm

    Well all I can say is… thank god one author is pragmatic. Now if you’d only haul away the crappy IKEA bed frame one of my daughters left in the garage that my husband refuses to get rid of even though it’s covered with rust, dust and cat spray. That’s my resolution. To find some sucker to disappear that damn bed.
    Me write good shit.

    Reply
  9. Fri 09th Jan 2015 at 6:24 pm

    Thank God, I needed something to distract me. Just curious, what kind of cage do you keep a liver donor in?

    Reply
    • Russell Blake  –  Fri 09th Jan 2015 at 7:06 pm

      It has to be easy to clean with a firehose. That’s all I know. They have a webcam set up and I check it every week before I Paypal. Looks like a dog kennel, or maybe one of those lab rat things. I don’t have time for these niggling details.

      Reply
      • Annie  –  Fri 09th Jan 2015 at 7:10 pm

        Oh okay, cuz I saw a couple raccoon cages on the curb in my neighborhood and thought you might need a back up.

        Reply
      • James Patterson's Toupee  –  Sat 10th Jan 2015 at 5:45 pm

        “It puts the lotion on its liver …”

        Reply
  10. Fri 09th Jan 2015 at 7:57 pm

    LOL Good luck!

    Reply
  11. Sun 11th Jan 2015 at 12:49 pm

    Freaking hilarious. I want to be Amazon’s bitch too. Can we be co-bitches? Bitch comrades? Bitches-in-arms?

    Reply

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