2015 Resolutions

It’s important to start each year with an eye toward improvement: ridding oneself of bad habits, and developing better ones. That’s really hard to do, so instead, I’ve decided to take a more pragmatic approach to change, focusing more on outcomes than process.

I’ve crafted a list that will address most, if not all, of my remaining shortcomings. I’ve already let everyone in on the secret to my success, which is to sleep your way to the middle and simply change character names and locales and release the same book over and over again, but is that enough? I want to be remembered as the literary All About The Bass, and nothing less, certainly not offensive treble, and that’s not going to happen without some real commitment. So here goes:

1) Write a masterful literary fiction novel that will have acquisitions editors fighting to throw money at it, as well as delight and enrapture MFAs the world over, about fifty-three of whom buy novels, but no matter. I’m thinking a saga of forbidden love set against the sweeping backdrop of post-revolutionary Iran, as the puppet government propped up by colonial interests falls and is replaced by the intolerance of religious zealotry. Of course, I don’t have the time to research all that and know precious nothing about it, so I’ll have to streamline my process some, which leads naturally to resolution #2:

2) Hire better ghostwriters. Time to upgrade the boiler room from Mumbai to the more expensive one in Calcutta. Let’s face it, the difference between $2 an hour and $3 is noticeable, and at this stage of my career my readers deserve the absolute best. Oh, and if you’re reading this: lads? Lose the u in everything – favourite being a typical example. What’s up with that? Learn to talk American, or I’ll have to hire an editor to catch your slop, and that’s just going to drive my finished product price up. Then the reader loses.

3) Get expensive cosmetic surgery. Let’s face it, nobody’s getting any younger. Mickey Rourke’s guy is having a sale, and he should be able to get rid of that bloaty, debauched, jowly thing I’ve got going on, stat. If you want to feel good, you have to look good, and I plan to double down and have him make me over into Johnny Depp, or at least that Walking Dead guy.

4) Take better care of myself. Look, I know last year I did that crowdfunding thing to buy a new liver, and I’m happy to announce that little Haji is not only the right blood type, but is resting comfortably in a custom-made cage until mine gives out. But is that really enough? What about my ravaged lungs? How many organs can I really afford, even at the cut-rates that global internet shopping enable? So I’ve got to quite the booze, the dope, and the other questionable activities, or at least pump the brakes, know what I’m saying? Starting next week.

5) Slow down. It’s exhausting supervising the oversight provided by the talented group I’ve outsourced to manage the creation of the content I claim as my own. So I’m only going to put out as many novels as my readership is willing to buy, no more. I know, I know. I said that last year. But this year I totally mean it.

6) Get serious. I’ll be releasing my eagerly anticipated “How To Write Good” craft book this year, with the best wisdom I’ve found while doing Google searches and reading message board posts on the internet with my computer using my optical mouse whilst sitting, which will not only go deep on how to write blockbuster bestseller novels in all genres, but explain how to do so while working a full time job, raising kids, and getting in ten solid hours of shut-eye per night while losing weight without dieting. As part of my effort, I’ll also include my fifty tricks to savvy internet marketing, which will include brilliant, custom-designed tweets, and heart-warming blogs that pretend to give two shits about a variety of topical subjects that will make you look interesting and informed.

7) Guilt trip Hugh Howey into saying I completely and utterly rock. I figure that should shift a few units. I’ll frigging declare The Shell Collector to be the next War and Peace and suck up like a horny freshman if he’ll just come forth and give it up for me. I really think that’s what’s been holding me back, and barring actually learning to write well, it seems putting him on speed dial is the solution.

8) Create a video with a whining sycophant screaming “Leave Russell Blake ALONE!” That will go viral, and then I’ll make my follow-on vid of “What The Ocelot Said”, which should propel me to an entirely different level of notoriety and enable me to afford that sweet Tesla I’ve been pining for but have had to deny myself.

9) Become Amazon’s bitch. I mean not only suck up to Amazon as I already do, but do so even more. I’ve been remiss in gushing about whatever they’re up to of late, but that stops here and now. Amazon is frigging Shazam squared, we’re talking godhead of innovation and goodness, and if you don’t realize it you’re a total embarrassment and should die of brain ebola and have your enemies dance on your cold, lonely grave with jackboots while ululating in triumph. I’m totally serious. Don’t even think of f#cking with them, because they are the boss, Daddy. Just ask Hachette, who’s mewling in the corner naked, rocking and holding its knees to its chest. Anyone have anything bad to say about Amazon, you have to get past me. They frigging build strong bones and teeth, man, and you should so be thankful you are even allowed to say their name, much less be associated with them. Just get over yourself. They rule.

There we have it. 2015 should rock with all this going on. If you have any resolutions you’d like to share, please do, on your own blog, because I don’t want to clutter mine with your BS. I hope this helps you create your own to-do list, because that’s my purpose in life, aside from being warm and approachable. You’re welcome.

And don’t forget. Buy. My. Crap.