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bad opening lines

I got bored today, and thought it might be fun to try to come up with the worst possible opening sentence/bit of dialog one could imagine for a fiction novel. Here are some of my offerings – my currently non-published ones, I should add. Feel free to comment and post your own. We could wind up with something truly awful. The only limitation is your imagination. As a huge fan of spectacularly bad writing, I hope this becomes a very long thread and goes viral. Feel free to tweet it long and hard.

 

“It was a dark and stormy knight,” the Princess confessed, her virtue in tatters along with her dignity.

“I swear quantitative easing isn’t just a bullshit way of saying taking all your money and giving it to my rich friends,” Ben ¬†offered, fidgeting with his beard in mock sincerity.

“Don’t worry, he’ll stop when he’s finished,” Miriam assured Tom, who was clearly troubled by Spot’s unrequited love for his pant leg.

“Are you sure you’re a doctor?” Marty asked, concerned about the dentist’s request that he remove his underwear.

“Vampires all suck,” Mona exclaimed in frustration over her odd visitor’s reluctance to take her then and there.

“Ah have always retied on the laces of Sketchers,” Blanche declared rebelliously, shifting her feet as the streetcar swayed down the track like a boozy debutant on prom night.

“It may taste like chicken, but it looks like chick!” Edgar spat, doing his best Perez Hilton impression.

“I see red people…” Tommy whispered in horror, trying to describe the most disturbing aspect of his unusual form of retinal dysfunction.

“Piglet looked at little Johnny, and confessed – ‘I suffer from hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia – fear of long words’,” Father exclaimed in a pretend gruff voice, before adding, “which is why Daddy drinks whenever you cry.”

You get the drift. It doesn’t have to be dialog. You can go narrative, although some might not get whether you’re kidding. I’m almost tempted to simply collect everything that comes in and use it as the basis for my next magnum opus, but I’ll resist. Mostly.

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